Hello Mr Chap, Titoki is STILL single & available...

You know what people. That bitch called Titoki is STILL single and available.

Early-early this morning, she dressed up nicely and camwhored non-stop in her room. I asked her why. She said she wanna glue her 'pretty' pictures on the back of the mandarin oranges and throw it into the river/lake/longkang. So that Mr Right from nowhere will be able to pick it up from somewhere and come rescue marry her from anywhere.

WAaaa Lau eh, sound sooo 'Snow White' like that can die aitelyu!!!

I couldn't stop laughing like a hyena upon hearing her sohai theory. If I'm a guy, I see her picture I'll vomit. Eat her mandarin oranges I'll diarrhea. And marry her I shall be living in hell for the rest of my life. Amen.

Nonetheless, sometimes I do secretly wish that she can fai tit (like lightning) get married off from the earth with The RIGHT One. Only then our eyes, mind and soul will be cleansed and spared. Her husband will keep her busy producing babies like a pig. Doing housework like a maid. And stop her from polluting our beloved blogosphere like a dick. You say I correct mou?

That's why if you think you are The One or KNOW who is The One who can save the Whole Wide World from being terrorised by the loud-mouthed, thick-skinned, sibeh-hiao-can-die punya Titoki, please kindly leave your name and contact in the comment box below. Her twin, Evil Tik, will get in touch with you soon. *winks*

In the mean time, in a busy street in the Muddy-River Valley,
Evil Tik shouts to the crowd,

"LELONG LELONG LELONG!!!
One Good One Evil Tik!!!
Buy one get the other one FREE!!!"

LA LA~ LA LA LA~, 我看你被我气死没?! *Muahahahaha*

今天Titoki要示範"打小人"的儀式給大家看!

Dear class,

I believe many of you had been bothered, annoyed or bullied by petty people in your life before. And thus, I would like to introduce you a traditional Chinese ritual called Ta Siu Yan.

Ta Siu Yan is a short ceremony practised primarily by the Cantonese Chinese in Hong Kong. Ta means "To beat". And Siu Yan means "Petty person", which is antithetical of Kwai Yan, "Honourable person".

Therefore, those who are harmful to the ego are considered as the "petty persons", whereas those who are beneficial to the ego are considered as the "honourable persons".

The main objective of the ritual is to eliminate the undesirable influence of the "petty person", while invoking aid from the "honourable person" for the ritual's recipient, who may or may not be the performer of the ritual.

In Hong Kong, you can easily find a professional petty-person-beater on the streets to perform the ritual for you. But in Malaysia, you will have to do it on your own.

And today, your beloved Ms Titoki is going to show you an unorthodox way to perform the Ta Siu Yan ritual for your own benefit.

1) Prepare a pen, paper, and a pair of scissor.

2) Draw a big fat fugly tortoise on the paper.

3) Cut out the tortoise.

4) Write down the petty person's name at back of the tortoise.

5) Search for a badly worn-out shoe. The higher the heel, the better the effect.

6) Make sure it stinks like the salted fish too.

7) Go somewhere shady and beat the tortoise out of its shell.

Please do not forget to mutter the following chants while you are at it:
打你個乌龟頭，等你有氣冇頂透，日日去撼頭。
Da nei geh wu kwai tau, dang nei yau hei mou teng tau, yat yat hooi hum tau.
打你個乌龟面，等你含家中非典，成世都犯賤。
Da nei geh wu kwai mien, dang nei hum ka jung fei dim, seng sai dou farn jin.
打你個乌龟眼，等你成世都撞版，日日俾人斬。
Da nei geh wu kwai ngan, dang nei seng sai dou jong barn, yat yat bei yan jarm.
打你個乌龟耳，等你日日痾爛屎，敏屎用手指。
Da nei geh wu kwai yi, dang nei yat yat oh lan si, mun si yung sou ji.
打你個乌龟咀，等你老母變老舉，日日俾人隊。
Da nei geh wu kwai jui, dang nei lou mou bien lou gui, yat yat bei yan dui.
打你個乌龟頸，等你周身都性病，花柳兼淋病。
Da nei geh wu kwai geng, dang nei zau sun dou shing beng, fa lau kim lam beng.
打你個乌龟胸，等你非典兼中風，後門俾人通。
Da nei geh wu kwai hoong, dang nei fei dim kim jung fung, hau moon bei yan tung.
打你個乌龟手，等你有錢唔識收，有樓變揸兜。
Da nei geh wu kwai sao, dang nei yau chien mm sek sou, yau lau bien za dau.
打你個乌龟腳，等你日日敷中藥，有腳冇鞋著。
Da nei geh wu kwai geok, dang nei yat yat fu jung yeok, yau geok mou hai jeok.
打你個乌龟肚，等你好心冇好報，日日俾人告。
Da nei geh wu kwai tou, dang nei hou sum mou hou bou, yat yat bei yan gou.
打你個小陽具，等你成世都不舉，有女冇得隊。
Dai nei geh siu yeong gooi, dang nei seng sai dou bat gui, yau lui mou dak dui.

老实說，就这样子發泄出了气，又完全不侵犯别人，還真不错嘛。;)

Class dismiss!

Disclaimer:
1) Kids, please do not try this at home.
2) No tortoises were harmed during the making of this post.
3) No money back guarantee that the ritual will work for everyone.

Titoki shops like an auntie!!!

It's the evil Jaya Jusco J Card Privilege Shopping Day Promotion again.

Early-early in the morning, your beloved Ms Titoki has already queued up in the 1U's JJ to get her J card validated for her shopping spree. Just like the auntie in front of her...

Shopping is a fun activity which requires a lot training, gut, and spirit.

Especially in a country like Malaysia...

Where shopping is ALL aunties' favourite hobby and past-time.

Even if you fight high and low with them, you still wouldn't be able to grab the right size.

Young bird like me can only catch the leftover garment from the side.

When proceed to the counter then only know how to spell the word D.I.E.

In the end, body bruised, legs tired and all money fly!
So kiasu liddat can die!!!

Hey Liucas, Titoki jie jie oso knows how to bake a cake!

This morning I woke up late. No choice but to skip my breakie and left home straightaway.

Once I've arrived at my office, I went to the pantry to search for some cookies and milk. Abuthen, I stumbled upon this in the fridge instead.

YES, a brand new pack of Sunsweet Pitted Prunes. Wheee~ My favourite!!! It's one of those leftover junk food from the Deeparaya hampers which we received from our vendors and suppliers last month.

I gleefully kidnapped it and devoured the whole pack of virginal sweet prunes in my office lup by lup. *Yum Yum*

A few hours later when I was enjoying my mixed-rice lunch in the cafeteria, my stomach threatened to stir up a sand storm right there and then. I had no choice but to escape to the nearest 'kitchen' to bake a cake like what Liucas did! *wink wink*

It was not an easy task aitelyu! Now all my limbs have become lembik and wobbly already after completing the BIG project...

Lessons learnt:
1) I must never share my food.
2) Do not eat up the whole pack of prunes at one go.
3) Cheh~ bake cake so easy liddat I oso know how to bake laa~!!! ;p

So tell me, whose burpday is coming up next? *Hiak Hiak Hiak* I wanna bake one big, moist, warm & gigantic chocolate cake for him/her as pressie!!! ;)

Ed note:
1) Dear Lord, thanks for letting your two most beautiful angels to shit sit on my shoulders today and yesterday. I can never say thank you enough.
2) My dad has already been discharged from the hospital and we are waiting for the lab result to come back now. :)
3) I have decided to stay optimism and have a positive outlook on my dad's sickness. So keep the cheers coming people. I lurve you all. *MUACKS & HUGS*

Titoki jau kong liao!

You see ah sometimes I wonder if my sisters all hate me so much until me jau kong or lari cahaya liddat also they didn't bother to tell me. Sigh. Sisterhood. Apa tu?

Have you ever had an embarrassing moment in front of the person that you like before?

I had. Once. Damn malu can die aitelyu.

It was my first year in uni. I was still a freshman. Sweet, young, innocent and pretty dumb. I like this guy from my Physics class. He's a Korean with wavy shoulder length hair. Very tall and definitely good looking.

One day, I was waiting for my friends in the cafeteria and he was eating his lunch at the table next to mine. He smiled at me and I smiled back too. He then signalled me with his index finger pointing at the table (downwards direction).

I threw him a puzzled look. And I thought to myself, "OMG, he likes me ke???!!! Is he inviting me to go sit with him??? OMG! OMG! Ooooh my GOD! Today is my lucky day!!! Whee~" My heart was thumping like mad at that instant. I bet anyone from a few feet away also can hear my heartbeat from where I was sitting.

Nonetheless I shook my head like a good virgin girl and indicated to him that I'm actually waiting for my friends to join me for lunch. He stopped pointing downwards at the table with a bewildered expression stretched across his pretty boy face.

He stood up from his place and strode towards my table. I almost fainted from the sexcitement. He looked at me unsmiling, bent down, and whispered in my ears, "Titoki, your fly is open." After uttering those words to me, he walked away.

My worst nightmare had come true. That was the scariest thing which I have ever heard in my entire life. I sooo wanted to dig a hole to hide right there and then. I was totally absolutely completely mortified. My face blushed like a red tomato. And I almost fainted from the embarrassment. Again.

I summoned up my last courage, put on a brave smile, covered my pants with a folder on top of it and pulled the zip back to its supposedly original position before anyone else notices.

Abuthen, the damage has already been done and till today I'm still being haunted by the incident because it happened right in front of a supermodel grade Leng Jai that I heart... *shudder shudder*

But the good thing is me and him have become very close friends after that. ;p

So my friend, have you had any embarrassing moment in your life before? Summore it happened right in front of a Leng Jai or Leng Lui that you fancy? :) And if you see someone's fly is open, how are you going to approach him/her with your little 'discovery'?

9 weird things about your beloved Ms Titoki

1) I like to lock myself in my own room with air-con, lie on my queen-size bed, watch mushy Taiwanese soaps on DVDs (within 2 days & 2 nights) and then nite-nite dream about the cute + smart + good-looking leading male actor for a good few months.

2) When I'm bored out of my skull, I'll read anything from Feng Shui, fiction to children fantasy.

3) I have a creative gene in me. I self-learnt and self-taught myself in making various artsy-fartsy creations from crystals bracelets...

...to making lanterns for my cousins to play during the Mooncake Festival.

4) I'm not a sporty person but I'm a fast learner.

By the 3rd time bowling with my k2oc friends...

I have already achieved over 100 plus points for my attempt. Geng leh? ;)

5) After watching so much lovey-dovey series and dramas, I have become very fond of Autumn. To me, it's the most low-man-dick season of all. I'll fantasise myself playing in a pool of dried maple leaves with the leading male character. So low-man-dick can die aitelyu!!!

6) My dear readers, this one you all know. I'm a natural born CAMWHORE. Very talented summore. The below example is one of my classic. Don't you reckon I'm cute and seeexy? ;þ

7) Yes, this is my fridge. I'm a magnets freak. Every place I visit, I'll get myself some magnets and showcase them on my fridge. You should do the same too. I mean you get me the magnets and I'll showcase them on your behalf. I'm seriously bidding for the Malaysia Guinness Book of Records' authority to contact me soon. *wink wink*

8) I love hair clips. Every shape, size and colour. You name it, I have it. Each of my Evita hair clip costs at least RM 200. My sister has estimated that my collection roughly worths RM 2000++. Now you should know what to get for my birthday, Valentine's Day and Christmas. Thank you very much. :)

9) If you think my camwhoring habit is weird, you should take a look at the picture below. I like to camwhore in weird places too. For e.g., public toilets in the malls.

And I'm totally oblivious to people's curious stares.

Me so weird can die hor? :)

The termites and me

Thanks for your comments and advice for my previous post. I feel so touched that you guys cared.

Sometimes I amazed myself at the things that I did or didn't do. Now that I look back at the things that I actually did, for e.g., the termite incident, I really don't know where I get the energy or the strength from when I was cleaning up the mess. But I guess when you are hit hard by luck, fate, people and environment, you will not hesitate to do the ultimate unthinkable thing to survive. It's a basic instinct for all living things.

I've done some research on the termites. Every house in Malaysia has the potential to become infested. Just like mine. The termites burrowed deep in the soil. When there is an opportunity for them to unleash their fury, i.e., when their habitat is disturbed due to land development or various means, they will of course sink their teeth into our homes. Just to survive.

Mom and dad are going to try a method recommended by their good friend whose house was infested by the termites once, which is to concoct a solution (termite killer + soil poison) to spray around the house and at the infested area. In the mean time, to be on the safe side, we'll contact the pest control to do an inspection at our place too. So chill people. Everything will be taken care of. :)

Mom said to me, "Lucky you were at home that time. If it was me, I wouldn't be able to do what you did." Her words made me wondered the what-ifs and what-nots. The happened and the yet-to-happen. I might not have a religion of my own but I do believe that The One Above has already set out a path for each of us to walk. Maybe He wants my 'being here' is to be a present to my family.

Or maybe, I think too much already. Heh. ;)

Yeah, I admit that I'm feeling extremely emotional right now. I feel like I'm standing in front of a non-functioning traffics light junction. Looking at the messy traffics, not knowing how to cross the road and not knowing when all this unpleasantness will pass. I cannot stop too long nor can I walk too fast. Either way, I'm stuck. The future seems bleak and the past is a blast. I only have present to hold but it looks very fragile to me. It can be gone in a blink of an eye. A present will inevitably become a past.

My fate will be decided soon. I hope it will go well. Have a nice weekend peepz, bye!

P/S: I like this picture taken by Angel. I look so happy in it.

My home is a breeding ground for Aliens

WARNING:
Long post ahead with lots of gross and disgusting pictures attached. Please have your meal first before you proceed.

Sometimes we shouldn't judge a person from the outside because it's the inside that counts. The inside here doesn't mean the lychees, oranges, watermelons or the bananas. You humsup!

What I'm trying to say is what looks calm on the surface doesn't really reflect the passionate molten lava inside. Just like this beautiful custom made wooden cabinet in my parents' kitchen...

We moved into this new house less than a year ago. A lot of our appliances are still in their original boxes. Some of them are brand new too.

Despite the beautiful facade, the inside is totally rotten. We didn't notice such avalanche is happening right under our nose until we spring clean our house during the Raya holidays.

This is the Love Nest built by 'the visitors'.

Another close-up shot of the latest mega structure in Asia.

These mutherfarkers have been busy copulating and producing tonnes of babies behind closed doors.

They do not just feed on the boxes. They shit and sleep in the same place too!

Let's have a closer look at their wriggly little bodies.

Aren't they cute and adorable?

(You'll never see a plate of fried rice in the same light again. ;)

It took me one whole day to castrate and torture them until their mother also cannot recognise them. Not forgetting the ear-piercing screams which reverberated through walls and echoed in corners when the ordeal was taking place. Damn painful can die aitelyu!

Well, the screams actually came from my sisters laa. And not from the Aliens. My folks were not in at that time and we don't have a maid at home. As the eldest girl in the family, I have no choice but to take up the Dai Kar Che role to clean up the mess with my own bare hands. While my two younger sis stood afar and gaped with their mouth wide open like a gold fish on dry land. My life sux.

I can assure you that THIS sexperience is definitely more earth-shattering than giving out your first kiss to your gf/bf.

I had a great time scrubbing the place clean. Multi-orgasmed to the max. You would never know, would you? *wink wink* ;p

The pic above shows the same spot where the Aliens were discovered. My dad had to cover up the holes and gaps (where the termites came in) with some homemade cement. We also replaced all the boxes in our kitchen with plastic containers.

This is a lesson we will not forget for the rest of our lives.

Now tell me if this is spooooky or what?!

Mom just now called my office number and she said, "Darling, your car plate number came out again on Wednesday!"

I was like OMFG-WT-BBQ-RAMLI-CHICKEN-CHOP!!! And I almost fainted from the sexcitement.

This is definitely waaaaay better than having multiple tiuuuing sessions orgasms with the guys. Don't you agree?! ;)

I've been driving my baby, Ms Mocha Berry, around for almost four months already. And this is also the fourth time my number has 'appeared' in the gaming world.

With a lucky streak like this and with a success rate like that, if you don't propose to me today, it's your gawd dammit losssssss!!!!

Wakakakakakakakakakakakakakaa!!! ;p