What I really, really, really want for Christmas...

Dear Father Christmas,

This year, I have been a very well-behaved little girl. I have not murdered, and I have never helped my mommy with her chores. And I always say thank you dork, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of presents this year!

Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring fruit leather panties. For my daddy, please bring a new razor (he’s hairy!). For my little sister, please bring a Barbie. For my doggy, please bring a chew toy. Oh – and for my cleaning lady, please bring some work ethic.

Now about me! Please bring me all of the Spongebob Squarepants pajamas, and front row tickets to Jay Chou – plus backstage passes so I can get autographs! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0. But if you can’t, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just $100,000,000 (Euros please!).

Anyway, I hope you like the cognac and the copy of Playboy I left out for you.

Love,
Titoki

P/S: Please say Merry Christmas to Mrs. Claus.

PP/S: Oh yeah, and remember Liucas? He has been a really perverted whiner all year long and doesn’t deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put coal in his stocking. Thanks!

No, Santa. I was kidding with you only with my letter. All I want for Christmas is everyone to be happy and healthy. And that's really, really, really all I want... :)

Goodbye Manager, Hello Piranhas

I don't know about you, but to me, leaving a comfort zone to join a new company is as daunting as ordering me to sleep in a haunted castle. You don't know what is awaiting you ahead. And you don't know if you'll survive the night or not.

When I told my friends that I'm joining the Piranhas-infested company, everyone gave me 'The Look', "WHAT?! Are you a moron? The Piranhas in there are friggin' the ferocious can die!!!"

YES I DO KNOW that the Piranhas are cannibals but fuck it! Petrol is sexpensive and I need the money!

WOkay. Enough hint of my new work location...

I had a heart-to-heart talk with my reporting manager when I handed in my resignation letter a month ago. He remarked dryly, "Young people are like the Energizer battery, they never say die. I mean they don't know how to spell the word DIE."

"Ouch. Why say like that?" I winced.

"Have you heard of the Chinese proverb that goes, "Newborn calves are not afraid of the tigers"? It means the young and the clueless are not afraid to tread in the Piranha-infested waters because they have no idea how dangerous it is."

"Yeah." I nodded my head. Maybe the turnover rate in this company is so damn high that's why he needed someone to rant and lecture at. And me the unlucky target. Sigh...

Today don't know tomorrow's world. If I don't drink the Milo, who will drink the Milo?

"Young people nowadays don't know what is appreciation. They have no qualms leaving their company which has taught them everything from A to Z and made them the knowledgeable person that they are today." He continued to throw-school-bag at me.

"Ahem, well, some companies don't know how to appreciate their staff. That's why people leave." I replied tongue-in-cheek.

"Aiyo, cannot say like that one. Did the company not pay you your monthly salary to feed you, your dog, your parents, your spouse, and your hungry children (if you have any) at home?" He disapprovingly dismissed my satire.

If petrol can be replaced with water, the elephant can fly too.

"Of course YOU do! But... the opportunity to grow professionally, career advancement, and exposure are also very important factors to a baby calf like me. Or else how can I transform from a whiny little cow into a fucking loud BULL?" I retorted rather saccharinely.

"Are you not LOUD enough already?! Haihz..." Exasperation spread across his face and he continued, "That's why I said young people like you are unappreciative. Only talk about money and money only."

"What to do? My religion is $$$. Mom baptized me in $ungai Wang since the day I was born!" I annoyed him further.

He shooked his head slightly and drawled, "Wait till you are old like me, you'll feel the pinch. Especially when age is catching up and you have godzillions tiny little mouths to feed. Leaving the comfort zone is equivalent to asking myself to be thrown into the Piranha-infested waters. And attending interviews is like sending myself into the Lions' lair."

"Waaaah... Where got so scary like that one ah?" I protested in disbelief.

I damn like this machine. Can choose cold or hot Milo. But after a while, you'll get bored of it.
Coz it is the same taste all over again. Sienz. Can I have a can of Coke please?

"True one. Hear the word 'interview' the legs already start to shake violently like the leaves." He self-humoured and went on, "ANTIQUE like me has been staying in the top position for waaaay too long. And am forever the one interviewing others and no chance to be interviewed back. So when the roles are reversed, you say I sweat like a pig or not leh?"

"Yeah, I get what you mean. But no pain no gain my friend. Would you choose to stay in a position where you don't get to learn much + low stress + good pay, or one that you can get to learn a lot + high stress + very good pay?" I probed gently.

"If I'm still young, single, and have no family obligations, then I'll opt for a good pay + learn-a-lot job. Knowledge is power. But once you get married, your priorities will change. You'll prefer something more stable and routine. Something which gives you less headache, put food on the table, allow you more family time, and pay you well enough and beyond until the day you retire." He tried to brainwash me.

"There you go. You have said it yourself. If you are young and have no family obligations, you'll give it a shot too." I gave him a wink and a winning smile.

"Now don't you stop me for wanting to play in the Piranha-infested waters."

This place is neither Starbucks nor CoffeeBean, it's just a corner of the Piranhas-infested company's pantry that I have recently joined. Nice leh?

Two weeks later, I left my comfort zone and is now sexcitedly treading in the murky waters not just with the Piranhas, but with the sharks, and the crocodiles too. Good luck Titoki! ;)

My university days in NZ

I miss my university days in NZ. So many memories. So many friends. So many sleepless nights. So many assignments. So many tests. So many projects. So many booze. And so many GUYSsss!!! Sigh. The good old times.

First Year - Young, chubby, notty and fully of energy.

Being a freshman, I was kindda shocked to find out that there is a bar called Shadows right next to the Science block.

The worst part is, when all of my friends are happily drinking & dancing away in the bar, I am stuck in the library doing revision for my Statistics test the following day. Can you imagine my torment at that instance? So 'chaei leong' can die aitelyu!!!

Well, the reason why my friends can party till dawn but not me is because I was already doing Year 2 papers when I was still in my first year. The library and the labs were my second home. I really did work my arse off to earn my 2 degrees with 3 majors within 4 years time. :)

Second Year - Still very young, chubby, notty and full of energy.

All work and no play make Jane a very dull girl! Luckily I'm Titoki and not Jane. ;p

Yes, I studied hard but I 'travelled' as hard too. Hahaha.

I've had my fun...

• staying in an old farmhouse with a ghost trapped in the attic.
• bathing myself in a pool of natural hot spring mud.
• squeezing the cow's nen nen.
• swimming with the ocras & dolphins in the deep blue sea.
• ogling at naked hot bods sun-tanning on the beach.
• camping around the country with nothing but sheer daring.

I love summer holidays!!! Whee~

Third Year - Still quite young, chubby, notty and still got some energy. Hehe.

More assignments, more tests & more projects. But I'll still go bungee jump, play paint ball, ski, white & black water rafting with my friends during the winter break. ;)

Fourth Year - Still consider young gwa, not so chubby liao, still notty and energetic geh.

I took up a pure hands-on project paper in my final year in uni. One of the requirements of the paper is to complete a week long leadership and management workshop in a remote camp.

Remote as in we were...

• 'abandoned' in a forest with minimal time & resources to prepare a real meal for some 'VIPs' (pretended/acted by our lecturers).
• asked to build a raft with some old tyres and ropes so that we can swim/float/ride out to the sea to rescue 'the rabbit'.
• expected to direct, guide and act in a skit to entertain each other. (Again, with minimal time and resources given.)
• taught to be creative in preparing, presenting & giving our ideas and speeches.
• trained to talk, walk and think like a true blue corporate leader someone who is not me.

The workshop made me happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I've made a lot of new friends and learnt a lot of new things which I will never be able to learn in a normal classroom.

I was saddened (kindda dropped my tears) because the mental and physical strength required to complete each of the activities is really taxing and demanding. I have never had so much bruises in my life before!

Upon completing the workshop, each of us is assigned to intern in different multinationals to design and build a solution for them in accordance to their business's needs.

My team achieved an A+ for our project and we won the top team award.

Success is sweet but it comes with a price. There were just too many sleepless nights and party-less days which we had to endure before we can hand over our project. It's all blood, sweat and tears. But we have survived. :)

Dear reader, this post will mark the end of my childhood's stories. Do allow me to pass this childhood meme's baton to these two handsome guys (*PUKE*) who eat full and got nothing better to do in the blogosphere:

1) Seng Kor – He's quite free at the moment. So as a friend, I must give him some homework to do to keep him occupied. LOL!

2) Ian Liew – His boss is away. So he must be quite free as well. *wink wink*

Cheers!

Growing up in a foreign land

I remember the first time I got my period, I told my mom that I was gonna die soon because I was bleeding non-stop 'down under'. Mom raised her eyebrows slightly and she smirked, "Oh really?" She then proceeded to laugh like a hyena. The worst part is she broadcast 'the joke' to the whole wide world, i.e. my uncles and aunties. So embarrassing can die aitelyu.

When I was 15, mom and dad sent me away to further my studies in a nun school in NZ. Imagine my horror when I found out that there will be no more guys for me to ogle at or harass during recess time! It was the worst nightmare/punishment/torture that came true in my life. It was downright cruel, cold and inhumane to the max Max MAX!!! Mom~, do you know that I'm NO 'vegan' ?!

There was a Science test in my class on the first day I stepped into my new school in NZ. There was no multiple choice questions on the test paper like what we're used to having in our PMR exam. But instead we're asked to write an essay on the photosynthesis process of a plant. I know the answer well. But too bad, I didn't know how to write it out in English then. And so, in the end, I wrote something like this for my teacher:

Fotosintesis is the sintesis proses of sugar inside a plant with green leaves. It uses sunlight, water and karbon dioksida as the raw materials and produces oksigen as the by-product bla bla bla... (You get the 'drill', kan? ;)

My England was really VERY the powderfool then. ;p Hehehe

And of course, I didn't pass the test.

There was a comment attached together with the test script when it's returned back to me two days later. It says,

"You've got the idea right but you need to work on your spelling."

And I did. It took me three whole months to adapt to the Kiwi accent and it took me another three months to re-learn everything in English. It is not easy at all, my dear friend. Switching from one medium to another is no child's play.

Some more the schooling focus in NZ is very different from the one here in Malaysia. The Kiwis emphasize on the learning process & experiences while we here in Malaysia prefer to put emphasis on how much we can rot learn and regurgitate from the textbooks.

Tell me,

1) How many of you get to bungee jump to better understand the gravitational force (F = mass x acceleration) taught in Physics?

2) How many of you get to visit dormant volcanoes to study their formation & activities during your Geography lessons?

3) How many of you get to visit the zoo to study primates like chimpanzees, orang-utans, gorillas, macaques & baboons for 200 hours each to compare their behaviour with humans?

4) How many of you can wear sexy black stockings to school?

5) How many of you have seen, chatted or even hugged an HIV+ person in class before?

I'd been through the aforementioned and a great deal more More MORE in my life. And I'm really thankful for the opportunities given to me by my parents to see and explore what I can't experience in my own country. :)

I think this shall be the closure of my childhood stories series. If you are interested to know more about my life in NZ, please don't hesitate to let me know. I might consider to write out the third & final instalment of my stories for you - My university days in NZ. ;)

Till then, have a nice weekend. I'll be out of town from tomorrow till Monday. Promise me that you will try to miss me a little, will ya? *wink wink*

Look!!! So cute!!!

I was half-way writing My Childhood Part 2 and I saw this...

OMG, so cute can die aitelyu! ;) Muahahahahaha!!!

A short note for my darling

Dear readers,

Please gimme a break, can ah?!

I'm sibeh the busy at the moment.

Just finished lecturing a bunch of lawyerSss this morning and later on today I've got a date with a bunch of professorSss.

Tell me, how many of you guys & girls get to lecture a bunch of professionals every now and then like me do, huh? Huh? HUH?! Don't be jeles okay? *Muahehehehe*

Anyway, I still haven't eaten my lunch yet. And I still have 3 documents on my desk waiting for me to edit/write-out/complete for production by the end of this week. My life sux. Arrrgggggghhhhh...

Eventhough I'm so freaking busy liddat, I still can find some time to post this message up here for you. *wink wink* Can't you see how much I love and care about you?! *puke* ;p Hahaha.

And errr... My tummy is growling like a beast now. My colleagues from a few blocks away also can hear. Okay laa, I better go and get some food for myself liao. Don't miss me ya?

No no no, I think you better leave me a note in my comment section and tell me how much you miss me. So that I can kembang sikit and write out My Childhood Part 2 faster. LOL.

Till then, I'll see you SOON. And errr... How soon will be very much depended on how much you've missed me. Haha. *wink wink*

Love, Muacks, Hugs & Kisses from,
Leng Lui Titoki
(I know you wanna puke again but then I don’t care! ;)

My Childhood

I am the first grandchild in the family. I was spoilt rotten. No one dared to drop a pin onto the floor when I was sound asleep and no one dared to speak loudly to me. According to my uncle, when I was in 'the mood', I will cry and piss right there and then to make everyone's life a miserable hell. ;)

I lived with my grandparents in Kampar until I was five. Mom and dad had to work their arses off in KL to provide a better life for me later on. So I grew up listening to the toads singing in the drain after the rain, I grew up speaking Cantonese with grandma and grandpa, and I also grew up together with my cousins torturing the dragonflies, crickets, grasshoppers, butterflies, puppies, chicks and ducklings in my grandparents' backyard.

Mom enrolled me into Tadika St Ronan in Jalan Pahang when I was five. I didn't speak a word of English then. I was supposed to study in the English class but the teacher was too garang for my liking. I cried and thumped my feet until the headmistress had no choice but to transfer me into the Chinese class. Geng leh?! ;p

My favourite game at that time was Hawk-Chase-Chicks, where all the baby chicks hide behind a mama hen for protection from the hawk. I really like the thrill of being chased by the evil hawk and then being protected by the good mama hen. The 'in-between' good & evilness gives me the adrenaline rush.

I also like to play the A-E-I-O-U game where a person will shout, "A! E! I! O! U!" with his/her back facing us. And the rest of us will have to run forward and then pause immediately when all the vowels are spoken. The guy who shouted the vowels will then come around to make us laugh or move. Anyone who cannot tahan his funny antics will be kicked out from the game.

I continued my primary education in SRJK (C) Chiao Nan which coincidentally located on the opposite side of my kindergarten. My headmaster was a kind-hearted man. He will drive us home if we'd missed the school bus. And there was once he treated everyone ice-cream as a token of apology because he was 10 min late for the morning assembly. But unfortunately, this wonderful man died of Hepatitis B when I was in Form 2.

Like this guy here, I lafu the Vitagen van and the Milo van. I will queue up again and again to get my second and second drink until the Vitagen guy and the Milo guy also fed up with me. LOL.

Back then my pocket money was only RM 0.50. With RM 0.40, I can already buy myself a big bowl of soup noodles to warm my tummy. And the remaining RM 0.10, I will usually save it up in my piggy if the red beans popsicle uncle is nowhere to be seen after school.

I received my first Love letter when I was in Standard 2. The boy asked me to be his close girlfriend or something like that. Hahaha. Damn funny can die. Of course I said him NO to him because:

1) My mom will disown me.

2) I like another guy in class. He is taller, cuter, smarter, and he can play very good badminton too. But in the same time, I also don't like him. Why? Because he forever competes the number 1 spot in class (academically) with me. I wonder how he is doing in life right now.

5.00PM was my favourite time in a day because I get to watch my favourite She-Ra, He-Man, Smurfs, Transformers, Thunder Cats & etc on the TV. I could memorise all the cartoon programmes on the back of my head. Abuthen mom won't allow me to watch any TV if I can't remember the proverbs, times tables & new words which she has taught me earlier in the day.

I furthered my secondary education in Chong Hwa Independent High School in Jalan Ipoh. I hated that place because it promotes Taiwanese's rigorous hardcore rot learning style to its students. Studying there is very stressful & tiring. The school also has many rules and regulations for the students to follow and obey. The passing mark at that time was 60%. Anyone who scored below that is considered as failed. And I purposely failed all of my subjects with marks like 59%, 58%, 57% & etc to silently protest to my mom that I despise that lifeless place very much. It was also the first and the last time my mom had beaten me up with a wooden spatula until it broke into two pieces. She was heartbroken because she thought that I had turned 'bad'. And trust me when I said that it's a whole lot easier to score 80% than to fail the exam because it requires a great deal of careful planning and marks calculation, i.e., which questions to answer & etc, to NOT pass the paper. *wink wink*

After 'the scare', mom quickly transferred me to a public school the following semester. And I had settled down in SM Chong Hwa, Jalan Gombak until I was Form 3.

English, Mathematics, Geography and Art were my strongest subjects. My Geography teacher couldn't believe that his most talkative student in class who likes to disturb others is also the highest scorer in his subject. He said to me, "Oh my god, so YOU are the girl who scored 99% in my paper." ;þ I think the reason why I like Geography so much at that time was because I can learn how to & where to dig out some Gold in exchange for some cash. I was a poor student then. ;)

To be continued...

My dad

Latest update @7.00PM:

Thanks for your prayers and well-wishes. My dad has just been discharged from the hospital. :)

*********************************************

I wanted to blog about the doctor whom I've cam-whored with during the blood donation drive. But I have no mood to write anything cheerful today.

At this moment, my dad is still lying on the hospital bed having fluids dripped into his body. I don't know when he will be well enough to come home.

He couldn't eat. He couldn't drink. He couldn't sleep. Everything that goes into his tummy will come out as vomit. He thought he would be OK in a few days time but no, it got worse. He was so dehydrated that he has to be admitted.

The funniest thing is that until today still no one knows what causes it. Not even the docs. Maybe it's me. He couldn't stand my exaggerative cosplay until throwing up non-stop. ;) *Just kidding*

When Science has failed to provide a satisfactory answer to a question, nosey Chinese people will turn elsewhere to quench their thirst for 'knowledge'.

My eldest auntie went to consult a 'medium' on behalf of my mom.

The 'medium' said,

"This man is being disturbed by a female ghost. A long lost relative who also died from the same painful death of throwing up non-stop. If you guys don't burn paper-money, do-this do-that bla bla bla yadda yadda yaa to appease this departed soul, he will soon follow her to 'go away' from here too."

WTF! I know. My aunt believed him. So is my mom. I can't blame them though. They just want my dad to get well only. It's their hope. I can't bring myself to point out to them that it's rubbish.

All I can say is that, when people have too much energy and there is nothing much they can do to improve a situation, they will seek an alternative avenue to release their excessive energy. As a sign of hope I guess. At least it will make them feel better that they have already done something about 'something'.

As for me, I only know how to express my feelings here in my blog hoping that my sis in NZ will read this and understand how heavy our hearts feel right now.

Sis, please call home now.
Mom said she called already. - Updated by TITOKI at 1.39 P.M.

The girl, the hobbit and the elf...

Once upon a time, a handsome elf found the key to a human girl's heart. He opened the Love door with the key and he stole her heart. Fresh, raw, and bloodied.

The human girl was promised by the elf that he will take good care of it. But he didn't. A knightmare turned nightmare.

He stomped on the heart when he's mad, he kicked the heart when he's in a foul mood, and he crushed the heart when he didn't get his way. In the end, the pulsating heart was brutally bruised and it was broken beyond recognition.

She couldn't breathe, she couldn't walk, and she couldn't move. She lost faith, she lost trust and she lost confidence. She was in a terrible state.

She ran away from the abusive elf empty-hearted.

Without a heart, she was like a wandering ghoul with no soul. Cold and distant. Eerie and scary.

Then one day a hobbit walked past the forest and he saw her...

She has a pair of beautiful eyes but there was no soul in it. She has a pretty face but there was no expression on it. She has a bright future ahead of her but she's entrapped in a bottomless pit.

The hobbit extended his hands to reach out for her and he pulled her out from the muddy pit.

He sang her a song. A song from heaven. Soothing and healing. It has touched her battered soul and nursed her open wound.

A new heart grows back inside her. She is no longer an empty soul-less shell.

She is given a second chance in life with the pumping heart. Blood flows once more in her veins. Her body becomes warm and she has 'returned' to her human form.

There is a saying goes, once bitten, twice shy. She now hides and locks her heart away in a secret chamber which is heavily guarded by a three-head fierce-looking black Labrador which never sleeps.

It will be a GREAT challenge to get near to her and her heart again.

BUT if you have the guts, you could 'try'... ;)

And if you are sincere enough, she might consider to give you a map...

And if you DID manage to get close to her heart, please remember to take good care of it...

A human girl's heart can only be grown back once.

Disclaimer:
This is a never-ending story which is still being written by the author until today. Please remember that all the characters mentioned above are fictitious. It would be highly appreciated if you could refrain yourself from associating the characters in the story to anyone in here.

I don't want to grow up

When I was a little kid, I cannot wait to grow up because:

1. Adults can watch a lot of movies,
2. Adults can go out anytime they want,
3. Adults can drink alcohol,
4. Adults can scold kids.
5. Adults can buy a lot of things because they have money & etc.

And now that I am an adult myself, I wish to be a little kid again. Because little kid has:

1. Adults to take care of you,
2. Adults to cook for you,
3. Adults to spoil you,
4. Adults to pay attention to your whim and fancy,
5. Adults to spend money on you & etc.

Having two younger siblings at home means that you have to grow up fast and be less dependent on mom and dad. But I guess the worst part is having your own parents declare to you that they are unable to give you much care and attention anymore because they have to focus on your sisters. In addition, you are asked to be a good role model to them and take care of them.

I was only eight then.

And I think this is the reason why I refuse to grow up. I felt as if I haven't been loved enough. I felt as if I haven't been cared for enough. I felt as if my parents put more attention on my sisters than me. I felt as if there is an invisible gap between us.

Sigh. I supposed I am just being selfish and self-centred. Everything is ME, ME, ME & ME and never considers others' feelings and perspectives.

Now that my parents are getting old, I was again forced to climb up the mountain on my own. But this time, with two great responsibilities on my shoulders. I feel so lonely. Where are my sisters? I don't know. I cannot see them climbing the mountain with me.

And wouldn't it be good to have someone says this to you:

"Dear, let me take care of
everything for you."

If someone did say that to me, I would marry him without a second thought. Be him FUGLY, SMELLY, DIRTY, CRAZY, YUCKY, BALD, and OLD. He just needs to take care of everything for me!!!

Mom's Medical Check-up - Part 2

Part 1
Mom finished her dancing lessons around 9AM. Dad picked up Wjiann and I drove mom to the hospital.

Mom's waiting patiently for her turn...

The nurse checked her blood pressure.

And she took her blood for testing too.

After half an hour or so, mom's name is called and we went inside to see Dr A.

Dr A: Good morning lovely ladies.
Me & Mom: Good morning doc.

Dr A: How are you feeling ma'am?
Mom: Other than the nagging headache. I feel fine.

Super nosey Kaypoh me interrupted...

Me: Doc, how come my mom still get stroke even though she's taking Coumadin already?
Dr A: Her Coumadin dosage might not be right for her anymore and thus causing blood clots to form.

Me: How come the dosage has suddenly become not right? Why does it fluctuate so much?
Dr A: Did your mom change her diet lately? Well, some food that we eat can indirectly cause our blood to thicken or thinned. The effect depends on each individual's health and heart condition.

Me: What is the cause for her stroke then?
Dr A: A small blood clot travelled up to her brain and occluded a small artery. The medical term is called Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA) or it's also known as "mini stroke". The cause of TIA is mainly due to atrial fibrillation.

Me: Is my mom's Cholesterol level okay?
Dr A: It's near the borderline.

Me: Borderline? What's the borderline?
Dr A: The borderline is 5.2 and hers is around 5.7. It's normal for her age though.

Me: That's high!!! It's above 5.2, doesn't she need to take medication for that?
Dr A: Medication is only needed for those who have a Cholesterol reading of 6.0 and above. If we give her the medication now, she will have to take it for life.

Me: I see, how is her blood pressure then?
Dr A: Her blood pressure is fine.

Me: Does she need to change her diet? Eat less meat and eat more greens?
Dr A: Nope. Just maintain her current diet. And don’t be picky on food.

Me: But didn't you just say that the food she consumes will indirectly cause her blood to thicken or thinned?
Dr A: Yes. Make sure she doesn't over-eat or under-eat any kind of food. Eat everything and anything in moderation.

Me: Her blood coagulating reading is 1.97 and that's below the requirement of 2.5 to 3.0. Is it a good sign or a bad sign?
Dr A: It is a bad sign. When it's below the normal range that means her blood has thickened. I will need to give her a higher dosage of Coumadin. Maybe 4mg per day.

Me: Can she travel?
Dr A: Yes definitely.

I thought Dr A would be pretty "wounded and hole-y" already with all the non-stop firings and wily shootings from me. But holy blimey, he escaped unscathed.

Being a professional specialist that he is, he is so goddamn well-prepared (with his bullet-proof vest and pants) that he managed to dodge all of my bullets and answer each and every single one of them with ease. I so worship him already! Give me a SMARTass doctor for bf NOW NOW NOW!!!

Well, I shot him with so many questions is not because I 霖 him. It's because I'm a 问题少女 and I'm hungry for knowledge, okay?! ;) *Hehehe*

And only SMART people will forever question because they are curious. DUMB people will just sit there and meow only! Majiam you people out there laa, never leave me a comment oso!!! So much worse than the DUMB people who at least know how to meow!!! Real KNNCCBTNS!!!! I go into hibernate mode then you know!!! Hrrmmphhh!!! *TITOKI farts*

Okay peepz, I have to sign off already. So freakishly bz today. Don't even have time to pee and shit, not to mention that I don't even have a spare second to drool and swoon over the new male staff from the next block!!! Haihz. So wasted laa my Friday.

Last but not least, I wish all of you will get plenty of C-Cups, rainbows, bananas and Baileys for this upcoming looooooooooooooooong labour weekend!!! Make sure it's a fucking satisfying one!!!

And I wanna see all of you fresh, well-fucked and multi-orgasmED on Tuesday morning!!! Not buts. Just do it!!!

Love,
TITOKI

Mom's Medical Check-up - Part 1

I woke up around 5.45AM in the morning to drive mom, sis and cousin to KL. Mom needs to do her medical check-up and sis needs to go to work. Cousin WJiann (who had arrived KL yesterday) tagged along.

I dropped mom at her dancing class (as she wanted to catch up with her dancing classmates) while the three of us went to get some breakfast in a nearby market.

Me and Wjiann camwhored while waiting for our food to arrive.

I ordered dark soy sauce Pan Mee.

Both Wjiann and sis ordered Wan Tan Mee.

One of them is a Vegetarian Wan Tan Mee, can you guess which one is it? *wink wink*

Don’t you reckon that the both of them look like they haven’t eaten for days? *Hehehe*

After breakfast, I dropped sis off at the LRT station to catch the train.

Me and Wjiann went to look for mom.

We found her exercising and dancing with her friends in the park.

These aunties are so funny. They kept asking me to take their pictures and directed me to take from which & which angle and which & which dancing moves that I should capture etc. They are definitely not shy at all!!! *TITOKI shakes her head*

While waiting for mom to finish her class, me and Wjiann started to camwhore again to keep ourselves amused!

To be continued... (Part 2)

不孝

清明时节雨纷纷，
路上行人欲断魂。
借问酒家何处有，
牧童遥指杏花村。

Hey, peeps... It’s Chinese All Souls’ Day again. You sudah pergi 清明?

清明 is an event which falls on the 5th day of April every year. And every SINGLE Chinese family must and will have to participate in it. If you don’t, you are considered as 不孝 bù xiào!

That’s why every year on the first week of April, you will see hordes of people rush back to their hometown (majiam competition) to clean their ancestors’ graves and to appease the dead with offerings like hell notes and FOOD. The more the merrier (Chinese are sibeh the kiasu one I tell you).

Yes, you heard me right, I said FOOD. Some will even go to the extra mile to prepare a feast that can feed hundreds. And my 6 million dollar question is:

Can the "dead" really eat the food you prepared?

Errr... I’m not trying to be disrespectful or anything, but it does make me wonder why some people BOTHER to treat the dead better than those who are still around and alive?

For example, when their loved ones are still kicking and dandy, they don’t bother with them at all. No visit, no money, no food. Only after they are gone, then only they remember them. Sad, isn’t it?

And another crappy thing is that sometimes the graves that we visit, we may have never met or know "them" at all. (Maybe because when they were alive, we were not even born yet.) All we know is that somehow somewhere up in the family tree that he/she was our ancestor. For e.g., Great grandmother’s aunty’s husband’s brother’s cousin’s sister. WTF right?! But still, we HAVE TO appease "them" every year without fail. Are we being filial or we are just following blindly?

*Sigh*

So in my opinion, 清明 is overrated just like our much celebrated Valentine’s Day. If you DO love someone, everyday can be a Valentine’s Day. And if you DO remember your loved ones, you won’t wait until they are dead then only you remember that you have to visit them on 清明.

And another screwed up thing which I want to mention here is our rigid Chinese custom:

Daughters are not allowed to join the sons to visit their OWN parents’ graves.

WTF???

Why the discrimination?

Married daughters are not your daughters anymore ka?

Married siblings are not your siblings anymore ka?

Once you are married, you are not your parents’ daughters anymore ka?

Answer me now you CHEEBYE!

Actually it’s us, the stupid kiasu people who create such selfish rules to prohibit the girls from visiting their parents’ graves. Because we the stupid kiasu people are afraid that the family luck and prosperity which is "leftover" by our ancestors will be distributed too thinly if all the siblings (especially girls) are included in the household.

We the stupid kiasu people think that since the daughters are going to marry into another household and bear their husbands' surname anyway, they can no longer be considered as our children anymore.

And thus we the stupid kiasu people will do all we might to ensure that the girls and their husbands (who are considered as outsiders) will not be able to compete the "leftover" luck and wealth from our ancestors with us (the rightful owners). As the saying goes, outsiders can never have a slice of our family cheesecake.

That’s why we the stupid kiasu people stop the daughters from taking part in the family 清明 because we cannot tolerate to see other people enjoy better luck and wealth than us. Especially when we the stupid kiasu people BELIEVE that the wealth and luck that they are enjoying come from our very OWN family and ancestors!

We the stupid kiasu people are just a bunch of STUPID GREEN EYES MONSTERS with big fat heads minus the brain cells! GAaaaahhhh!!! *TITOKI ROaRSss*

And now, my dear reader, do you still think that we REALLY REALLY REALLY miss our ancestors so much that we have to visit their graves ONCE every year?!

No way MAN!!!! What we really WANT is our family "leftover" wealth and luck only nia!!!

That’s why I said, our heart is darker than the shit that we shit and we are uglier than the little ugly duckling in the children’s books that we read when we were kids. Well, at least the ugly duckling gets to grow up to become a pretty swan, but us, the older we get the uglier we become!

Oh and please remember that no matter what, blood is always thicker than water. And who are you to stop others from visiting their own parents’ graves? (Mind your own business laa auntie!!!)

Ed note:
1) I just have to say this piece (which has been dormant in my heart for a long time already) out loud before the 清明 is over.

2) Bikini pics will be up next!

Grandma is 83 years old

Got a few people asked me, "Hey TITOKI, why are you so good one? Everytime your grandma’s birthday you will sure go back to your hometown one."

I will usually smile and reply, "I just want to accompany her as much as I can (while she is still around) and I want to see her happy."

Grandma is getting old. She needs help to wear her own clothes. The problem is that she feels embarassed to ask others to assist her. She'd rather spend more time fumbling over the buttons herself.

She doesn’t have much energy to scold people like she used to. And she sleeps a lot lately.

I really don’t know how many more birthdays she will be around with us (Of course I hope that there will be many more to come).

That’s why I am doing my bit now as a granddaughter to make each of her birthdays a memorable one for her and for myself, so that I can keep and cherish all these wonderful moments in my heart forever.

Grandma, I just want to tell you that I love you (eventhough I am too shy to say it in front of you) and I hope that you will always be happy and healthy.

Ed note: One of the reasons why I blog is to share the precious moments in my life with my loved ones who are based in overseas. YEAH, I'm talking about YOU, YOU and YOU!!!

Grandma's birthday 3 - The BAKA

I was so tired and drunk. We stayed at grandma's house for the night.

It was only 11pm and I was already in bed. And then I remember that I haven’t wished a friend good luck for his final match. So I sms-ed him and said, "Hey, good luck for your match, let me know the result. I’m drunk jor. Goodnight."

I thought the message was very clear that I’m going to bed soon.

But then the BAKA called me up at 12AM and said, "Hey TITOKI, are you drunk ka?"

I replied, "Yes."

And he asked, "What are you doing now?"

I answered, "Sleeping."

Very luckily that he then said, "Hey I got an incoming call. Talk to you later."

*Phew* I heaved a sigh of relief because I thought I can continue to date Zhou Gong's son jor. But then when I was about to nod off again, my phone rang the second time.

It’s the BAKA again.

He said, "Hey TITOKI, sorry to cut you off just now."

I replied, "No worry."

He asked, "Why are you drunk?"

I told him, "Cousin’s treat."

He commented, "Ohhh... must be people contribute money and you contribute "energy" laa! Hahaha!"

I responded, "Hmmm..."

He asked me AGAIN, "What are you doing now?"

I replied AGAIN, "Sleeping."

He then bla bla bla & yadda yadda yadda-ing away on the other side. I couldn’t really remember what he had said to me. All I can remember was that he said "Aiya, we lost 1 point to the opponent!"

And I think I did ask him something like, "Hey, why your side so noisy one?"

He replied that he’s celebrating with his team mates.

I was thinking, "WTF, lost already still wanna celebrate?!"

But I only said, "Ohhh... I see", to him.

In the end, I think he did finally realise that I was sibeh tired and that most of the words I uttered to him (in response to his hyperactive spirit) were mostly mono-syllables, for e.g., "Yes.", "Yeah.", "Ohhh...", "Really?", "OK.", "I see.", etc etc etc, and so he said to me, "Okay laa TITOKI, you go back to sleep. I’ll talk to you again some other time."

After ending the conversation, I was so happy. Man, I had never been so happy before because I can finally get to SLEEP... Zzzz... Zzzz... Zzzz... Goodnite peepZzzz... I am so sleep-deprived. Gimme a bed now BAKA!!!

Ed note: The moral of the story is: Timing (时辰) is very important!
Q: Why would the Chinese like to read and follow the Chinese Almanac (历书, 年鉴) religiously?
A: Because you need to CHOOSE the right time to eat, shit, sleep and DIU!!! ;) *Hehe*

Grandma's birthday 2 - The Drunkard

During grandma's birthday dinner, Kay saw WT’s stack of 50 Ringgit notes in his wallet and so he made him buy us beers after the cake.

Kay said: "Hey people! WT just got his pay, and he’s buying everyone beers!"

WT scratched his head and wondered when did he receive his salary already... => -_-"

Kay looked at him and teased, "Come on laa WT, don’t be so stingy! Look at your aunties, uncles and cousins, they are all so happy that you are FINALLY buying them drinks."

My kaypoh mouth itchy and I blurted out, "Yeah yeah yeah, Kay's right. Even if it tastes like shit, we’ll still say that it tastes good and we will definitely finish them off for you. Because it’s your treat!"

WT replied, "Okay TITOKI, you said so one ar! If they can’t finish it, I'm DEFINITELY going to pour it down your throat!" (Evil grin)

WT then signaled the waitress to come and proceeded to order 10 bottles of this:

He then poured the beer into my glass and said, "Yum Sheng TITOKI!!!"
(With a smirk that SHOUTS: I wanna see how you are going to survive tonight!!!)

After half a glass of beer with ice down into my stomach, I committed the following grave offence...

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Now tell me, don't you wish that you were there on that night?! It could be you who kena kissed by me!!! Hahaha!!! ;þ

And this is the focker who made me drunk on that night:

I will NOT forget you WT!!! *TITOKI GROWLS*

Ed note: Ice > Heineken > Tiger. But kahlua + milk is still the pwn!

Grandma's birthday 1 - The Dinner

It’s a BIG family gathering.

Every year without fail that all the "3-8" (gossipy) aunties and uncles will turn up.

My birthday girl and her favourite pandan layered cake.

Me and birthday girl.

Camwhoring with little Hung Hung.

More stories and pictures to come tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Are you a Chinese?

Ed warned: This is a VERY LONG post, don't READ it!!!

I’ve been reading someone’s blog from the beginning to the current post. That person has changed so much. I am not going to dwell on it (as it’s none of my business). And I won’t advertise the blog here because this is my blog. I don’t want to give any air time to other people’s blogs nor do I want to talk about them here in my blog.

This is my blog, so what you read here will be about ME ME ME and ME only!!! I’m a god damn narcissist. Hahaha! And I love me!!!

Okay, today I want to tell you a story about ME (of course me, who else can it be?!) Hehe.

You see, when people first look at me, they will ASSUME that I am a non-Chinese or probably a half cast and then they will ask,

"Are you a Thai, a Nyonya, a Kadazan or are you mixed?"
(Haha!!! I think it must be my pretty eyes, honey tanned skin and slightly accented English!) ;p

I’m not sure if that’s a common pick-up line among the blokes or what. Or they are really curious about my identity and my background. Since they like to ASSUME so much, I also ASSUME that it must be the latter and that they want to know more about me. *wink wink*

So I will answer them in my sweetest tone, batting my long eyelashes, smile and displaying my dimples with the greatest effect,

"Ok, let me see, where should I start, huh?! Oh yes, my paternal grandmother is a Nyonya + Thai, my paternal grandfather was a Chinese + Japanese. And my maternal grandmother, she is a Korean + Indian, my maternal grandfather was a Chinese Myanmar! So you tell me, what am I?"

A bloody ASIAN laa cheebye!!! Kanineh MCH!!! Do you need me to give you my blood for testing or not?!

It really makes my blood boils when people ASK if I am a non-Chinese or that I could be a mix of this and that. I am no ROJAK okay?! I’m a pure Chinese. And don’t you know that NOT ALL Chinese have chink eyes and NOT ALL Chinese have see-ghost kindda pale fair skin, OK OK OK???!!!

I don’t know how many times in my life that I have to inform and confirm with people again and again that I’m a PURE Chinese. Including today, a new MALE staff asked me,

"Are you a Chinese? You look like a mix of Thai or Chinese or something."

After I have said "Yes", he tried to argue,

"Are you SURE that you are a Chinese?"

This is so depressing. It’s Friday and he has just spoilt my mood for the weekend. Lovely. And, I have decided that I am definitely not going out for lunch with him today (no matter how cute his arse is).

And there was this one time when I was in Thailand, the Thai people started to blabber in Thai with me when I visit their stores.

And another time, when I was younger (still a kid in kindergarten), dad used to pick me up from school everyday. And one day after picking me up from school, dad drove us to a nearby petrol station to fill up the tank before heading home. The petrol attendant took one look at me and straightway asked my dad if he got a Malay lady for wife.

*.|. x 100000000000000000000000 trillion*
(Farkiu. Don’t laff. It is really that bad, OK?!)

Even when I go for interviews, the interviewers will question if I’m a pure Chinese or not, because of:

1. My look. (I have a pair of big round eyes, each with a dark brown iris that looks like a swirling mesmerizing chocolate pool. And I also have honey tanned skin that can make any Mat Salleh JEALOUS!!!)
2. My English is good. (And most Chinese ARE NOT supposed to speak any good English with a foreign accent!)

Sometimes, I was so tempted to ask them back,

"Why? If I say I’m a non-Chinese, you are not going to give me your peanut-paying job issit?!"

But of course I held my tongue.

This is why I have decided that from today onwards, if anyone questions my identity AGAIN, I’ll say,

"Yes, you are right. I’m a half cast." Or

"Yes, you are right. I’m a half Nyonya." Or

"Yes, you are right. I’m a half Kadazan." Or

"Yes, you are right. I’m a half Thai." Or

"Yes, you are right. I’m a TOTALLY MIXED UP ROJAK!"

And I’m definitely not a Chinese. Are you happy now? .|.